The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Year: 2003
Director: Marcus Nispel
Starring: Eric Balfour, Jesica Biel, Andrew Bryniarski, Erica Leershen, Jonathan Tucker & Mike Vogel
Runtime: 98 mins
BBFC: 18
Published: 11/03/22
Director: Marcus Nispel
Starring: Eric Balfour, Jesica Biel, Andrew Bryniarski, Erica Leershen, Jonathan Tucker & Mike Vogel
Runtime: 98 mins
BBFC: 18
Published: 11/03/22
Following the creation of Michael Bay’s new production studio Platinum Dunes in 2001 it was announced that the studio would be responsible for producing almost entirely low budget horror films. The first project in their sights was remaking Tobe Hooper’s 1974 classic, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. With Hooper on board as co-producer it seemed as though the project had his blessing and so it would appear that the 2003 remake would be something to get excited about. Unfortunately, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is arguably one of the worst remakes I’ve ever seen in my life.
It's the summer of 1973 and friends Erin (Jessica Biel), Kemper (Eric Balfour), Morgan (Jonathan Tucker), Pepper (Erica Leershen), and Andy (Mike Vogel) are driving home from a vacation in Mexico. The group stop to pick up a girl (Lauren German) who after having a breakdown in the van shoots herself in the head. Stopping at a nearby gas station the friends call local law enforcement which never arrive, venturing out to a nearby farmhouse to call from there, the friends soon find themselves caught in a sinister trap set up by a family of hillbilly’s and being hunted down by a madman with a chainsaw.
It's the summer of 1973 and friends Erin (Jessica Biel), Kemper (Eric Balfour), Morgan (Jonathan Tucker), Pepper (Erica Leershen), and Andy (Mike Vogel) are driving home from a vacation in Mexico. The group stop to pick up a girl (Lauren German) who after having a breakdown in the van shoots herself in the head. Stopping at a nearby gas station the friends call local law enforcement which never arrive, venturing out to a nearby farmhouse to call from there, the friends soon find themselves caught in a sinister trap set up by a family of hillbilly’s and being hunted down by a madman with a chainsaw.
I won’t mince my words here, this ‘remake’ of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is one of the worst films I have ever seen in my life. The word remake needs to be used incredibly loosely here as it bears almost no resemblance to the original film aside from it being about five friends who get hunted down and killed by a guy with a chainsaw. The characters have different names and backstories, the setup to the entire series of events is different, the way the film plays out is considerably altered, there’s way more people involved with trying to kill these teens than there were in the original film, it’s a whole twenty minutes longer than the original film was…I mean to call this a remake is absurd because there’s so little identity shared between the two films. A re-imagining would be a better fit, because it takes the basic premise and does something completely different with it.
The absolute worst thing the film does which I simply can’t get past is that it looks like a made for TV film. Cinematographer, Daniel Pearl, and Editor, Glen Scantlebury, have created one of the cheapest looking theatrically released films I have ever seen. To add insult to injury Pearl was the cinematographer on the original 1974 film, so whilst I can understand him wanting to do something a bit different with this new project, he turns out something so plain and generic that it simply has no identity. The colour has been partially drained from the image too providing viewers with various shades of muddy grey for the entire runtime, making the film incredibly ugly to look at. I seem to remember this being a popular stylistic choice for horror film around the early 00’s, but it’s a bad choice…just because other people were doing it doesn’t mean you should, unless you can genuinely make it look good.
The absolute worst thing the film does which I simply can’t get past is that it looks like a made for TV film. Cinematographer, Daniel Pearl, and Editor, Glen Scantlebury, have created one of the cheapest looking theatrically released films I have ever seen. To add insult to injury Pearl was the cinematographer on the original 1974 film, so whilst I can understand him wanting to do something a bit different with this new project, he turns out something so plain and generic that it simply has no identity. The colour has been partially drained from the image too providing viewers with various shades of muddy grey for the entire runtime, making the film incredibly ugly to look at. I seem to remember this being a popular stylistic choice for horror film around the early 00’s, but it’s a bad choice…just because other people were doing it doesn’t mean you should, unless you can genuinely make it look good.
The film also sets a false precedent in the opening few minutes by showing a gory suicide, making you feel as though you’re going to be in for a very bloody ride. But then the film reverts back to showing little to no blood at all for the rest of the film, instead choosing to hide its kills in various awkward ways. You might catch the odd glimpse of a missing limb here and there, but most of the time it’s so dark you can’t work out what’s happening anyway. The original film was famously not bloody and gory, so whilst the sequel doesn’t swing as far in the gory direction as previous Texas Chainsaw sequels, it doesn’t commit to the less is more philosophy of the original.
All of the performances are horrendously bad, to the point where even Andrew Bryniarski fails to be a convincingly scary Leatherface. The awful dialogue doesn’t help but it doesn’t take much to see that many of the actors in this film either didn’t have the talent, or didn’t care about the film.
2003’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a film I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. It combines all of the worst tropes of early 2000’s horror whilst also butchering everything the 1974 original did well. I hated it, there’s no other way to frame this. I wouldn’t even give the DVD the dignity of being a drinks coaster.
All of the performances are horrendously bad, to the point where even Andrew Bryniarski fails to be a convincingly scary Leatherface. The awful dialogue doesn’t help but it doesn’t take much to see that many of the actors in this film either didn’t have the talent, or didn’t care about the film.
2003’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a film I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. It combines all of the worst tropes of early 2000’s horror whilst also butchering everything the 1974 original did well. I hated it, there’s no other way to frame this. I wouldn’t even give the DVD the dignity of being a drinks coaster.