Madame Web
Year: 2023
Director: S. J. Clarkson
Starring: Dakota Johnson, Isabela Merced, Celeste O'Connor, Tahir Rahim & Sydney Sweeney
Runtime: 116 mins
BBFC: 12
Published: 27/02/24
Director: S. J. Clarkson
Starring: Dakota Johnson, Isabela Merced, Celeste O'Connor, Tahir Rahim & Sydney Sweeney
Runtime: 116 mins
BBFC: 12
Published: 27/02/24
Sony’s Spider-Manless universe has never exactly been good, but Morbius hit an extraordinary low for the superhero genre, and I don’t think anyone would have thought that Sony could make it any worse. But suffice to say that following Morbius’ crowning glory being that audiences managed to convince Sony to re-release the film in cinemas only for nobody to go, costing the company millions, it seemed like Sony just has money to burn as they continue to make these soulless cash grab films, attempting to bank on the dwindling success of Marvel Studios.
Next up on the chopping block is Madame Web, and I have to say I was surprised to see it getting more of a bashing than Morbius from audiences, but honestly it’s not that bad…I mean it is, but I did have a little fun with it.
In 1973 Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim) kills a pregnant Constance Webb (Kerry Bishé) to steal a spider she has discovered in Peru that has rare healing properties.
In 2003 Cassie Webb (Dakota Johnson) is a paramedic who following a near death experience discovers that she has the ability to see the future. When Cassie sees three teenagers, Julia (Sydney Sweeney), Anya (Isabela Merced), and Mattie (Celeste O’Connor) get murdered by a masked man with spider-like abilities, she helps them escape and tries to understand why someone might want them dead.
Where Morbius was frustratingly bad, Madame Web is more hilariously bad. For some that might make this the more unbearable film, but for me it meant that I was laughing along the whole time, even when I wasn’t supposed to, and I’d happily rewatch Madame Web long before I’d even consider revisiting Morbius.
Next up on the chopping block is Madame Web, and I have to say I was surprised to see it getting more of a bashing than Morbius from audiences, but honestly it’s not that bad…I mean it is, but I did have a little fun with it.
In 1973 Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim) kills a pregnant Constance Webb (Kerry Bishé) to steal a spider she has discovered in Peru that has rare healing properties.
In 2003 Cassie Webb (Dakota Johnson) is a paramedic who following a near death experience discovers that she has the ability to see the future. When Cassie sees three teenagers, Julia (Sydney Sweeney), Anya (Isabela Merced), and Mattie (Celeste O’Connor) get murdered by a masked man with spider-like abilities, she helps them escape and tries to understand why someone might want them dead.
Where Morbius was frustratingly bad, Madame Web is more hilariously bad. For some that might make this the more unbearable film, but for me it meant that I was laughing along the whole time, even when I wasn’t supposed to, and I’d happily rewatch Madame Web long before I’d even consider revisiting Morbius.
The story is just completely nonsensical. Cassie’s trying to protect these girls from the spider-person (which we know from the trailer to be Sims, like it doesn’t even try to hide it) but we aren’t ever sure why. She doesn’t seem to like them very much, and they’re certainly don’t like her, but they’re all just stick together for some reason.
Sims’ motivations are also unclear. I know why he wants to kill the girls, because he’s seen a vision of the future where they kill him; but like why was he so desperate for the spider that he had to kill Cassie’s mum, and what exactly does he do because he’s incredibly rich and powerful. He keeps going on about how the teenagers want to take everything he has built away from him, but what exactly has he done?
It probably doesn’t help that Rahim is the worst actor in the film by a considerable margin. He’s so wooden, and his accent (of which I’m not really sure where from) is so strong that it’s difficult to work out what he’s saying sometimes.
What would have been good is if the story had been much simpler, perhaps taking on a Final Destination kind of story where Cassie is plagued by a need to save everyone around her from death. How this would have led to the creation of the three spider-women I’m not sure, but with its current story it doesn’t really do that either.
In fact it feels like the story was banking far too heavily on having a sequel to a lot of heavy lifting for it, with it constantly teasing the Spider-Women seen in the trailer but also actively acknowledging that the girls don’t yet have powers and that’ll come in the future. It’s definitely a cop-out to keep the budget down by reducing the complexity of action sequences, but why bother teasing it at all in that case?
There is one great element of Madame Web though, and that’s the soundtrack. Honestly, I haven’t seen a film go this hard with its throwback tunes since Guardians of the Galaxy. Presenting a constant conveyor belt of classic early 00’s pop & R&B jams, Madame Web’s soundtrack slaps so hard and it has no right being as good as it is.
There’s no good reason to watch Madame Web. The story is nonsensical, the performances are awful, not a lot actually happens in it, and it lacks any creativity. It is just another manufactured product from Sony in the same vein as Morbius. However, I’ll give credit where it’s due, I did have some fun with Madame Web. Unintentional fun of course, but the mix of cheesy dialogue and some outrageously good 00’s hits I did find myself occasionally having a good time. It reminds me a lot of 2003’s Catwoman, it’s awful, but as long as you know that and accept that you can have a good time it.
Sims’ motivations are also unclear. I know why he wants to kill the girls, because he’s seen a vision of the future where they kill him; but like why was he so desperate for the spider that he had to kill Cassie’s mum, and what exactly does he do because he’s incredibly rich and powerful. He keeps going on about how the teenagers want to take everything he has built away from him, but what exactly has he done?
It probably doesn’t help that Rahim is the worst actor in the film by a considerable margin. He’s so wooden, and his accent (of which I’m not really sure where from) is so strong that it’s difficult to work out what he’s saying sometimes.
What would have been good is if the story had been much simpler, perhaps taking on a Final Destination kind of story where Cassie is plagued by a need to save everyone around her from death. How this would have led to the creation of the three spider-women I’m not sure, but with its current story it doesn’t really do that either.
In fact it feels like the story was banking far too heavily on having a sequel to a lot of heavy lifting for it, with it constantly teasing the Spider-Women seen in the trailer but also actively acknowledging that the girls don’t yet have powers and that’ll come in the future. It’s definitely a cop-out to keep the budget down by reducing the complexity of action sequences, but why bother teasing it at all in that case?
There is one great element of Madame Web though, and that’s the soundtrack. Honestly, I haven’t seen a film go this hard with its throwback tunes since Guardians of the Galaxy. Presenting a constant conveyor belt of classic early 00’s pop & R&B jams, Madame Web’s soundtrack slaps so hard and it has no right being as good as it is.
There’s no good reason to watch Madame Web. The story is nonsensical, the performances are awful, not a lot actually happens in it, and it lacks any creativity. It is just another manufactured product from Sony in the same vein as Morbius. However, I’ll give credit where it’s due, I did have some fun with Madame Web. Unintentional fun of course, but the mix of cheesy dialogue and some outrageously good 00’s hits I did find myself occasionally having a good time. It reminds me a lot of 2003’s Catwoman, it’s awful, but as long as you know that and accept that you can have a good time it.